Give Dinner to Your Enemies

Seriously, just do it! lol
So, you want to know why people do not live as long as they are supposed to? It's too much food. Really, it is.  You see, now our foods are heavily processed and sprayed with chemicals. They are made up of things in which we can't even pronounce, and we have no clue what they even are. It's causing our bodies to have to make up for it. So I spend as much time away from food as possible.....Here is my super big tip to carry you through until the next post:

Keep it simple!
Don't go out and buy 100 calorie pack this and sugar free that.  Instead, get yourself a cold glass of water and add a slice of lemon in the morning. Also drink it throughout the day.
When you need to eat a little have an orange or banana, or any other type of fruit for that matter.
Trust me, your body will thank you for it.

When should you actually have a meal?
Every once in a while. I usually have mine once every 12 hours. I will have a large salad; iceberg, spinach, or both with cucumber, carrots, and a few nuts.
And of course I drink lemon water with it.

Don't fall for traps!
No six-eight small meals! Big No! You won't die or even be malnourished from not gorging yourself. If that was the case I and many other people would have been dead already.



GO RUNNING!!!!

<3

Praise To The Small Breasted Woman!

It's so easy to loose yourself in the world of 'real women have curves'.  You just want so badly to have the best of both worlds; a tiny body and big breasts.  
Don't stoop so low as to change what you were given.  You were created exactly as you were meant to be. Instead of dreaming of that fake body, dream about your own willowy body.
Run and embrace your lightness. Wear your dresses and let the fabric sway freely around you; or wear them tight and marvel at the smoothness of your body.
Women who seek attention through their cleavage are weak.  You are strong.  You draw a man in with your mind, your sharpness and wit.  He marvels at your energy. The way you move so free.
Even if he may not be vocal about it, he is watching you.
You are the essence of a woman.  You are light in more ways than one.  Embrace it!

My Doctor Visit: "You're in pristine health!"

So, occasionally I like to visit the doctor. Occasionally.
My vitals were normal, so that was good.  My reflexes were good, so now I'm doing even better.  But then I had some blood work done and the doctor said something that left me grinning from ear to ear.  He told me that my blood had almost no toxins in it and that I was in pristine health. So, I just proved it! You don't need 'extra meat' to be healthy. In fact, it's rather unhealthy but that's a subject for another day.
I'll just say that at 5'4 100lbs, I am a picture of health. hahahaha Do you want to know my secret? Read on....

I was doing some research on what humans were meant to eat and I came across the Raw food Diet. I did some research of my own because I wanted to know what the pros and cons are. Well, if you look at the Raw Vegans (who are the most serious and devoted of the Raw foodists) they are literally vibrant. Their skin, hair, and eyes are glowing. They are not carrying around 'extra meat' and they are very active because they have more energy.
They ave nothing bad to say about this diet except that it can be challenging when you're first starting out and even after. But in the end it's worth it. 
So now we go to the cons.  The bad things about the diet are almost always from the viewpoint of a non-Rawfoodist. They say that you cannot get all the nutrients that you need and that it's not a healthy diet and it's a fad diet and blah blah blah.
To that I say this; every food that was meant to be eaten comes from the earth. Every food that was meant to sustain life was already here coming from the earth. Fruit, vegetables, seeds, and beans.  If you can honestly saying that kin of diet is unhealthy, you are clearly living in denial. You have a food addiction to the cooked food, almost devoid of nutrients. Ever wonder why we can eat and eat but never feel any less hungry? Our body seeks NUTRIENTS and you just can't get the nutrients from cooked food. Not gonna happen. We humans are they only ones who eat cooked food. We are also the only ones who seem to have almost no energy all the time. We're just not very well off.
The people who talk badly of this diet are also the ones who argue that organic food is no more nutritious than regular food sprayed with chemicals. hahaha well, we see where their mind is, don't we? The nutrition isn't even the point. The point is that what's going into our bodies is filled with chemicals, chemical that cause disease and premature ageing. 
Well, I saved myself from the vicious food cycle of constantly eating and then eating pointless junk.  
I hope you can jump on too!

Remember: You don't need food all the time!

Ana Fasting Tips (Long term fasting)

I figured that some people are food addicted.  I am no exception to that BUT we all need to be reminded of what we want for ourselves.  That long, willowy shape that makes our gowns flow can only belong to the strong minded.  Those of us that realize that we are above food.  We don't live to eat.
So here are some everyday tips that you can follow to practice the ultimate control.

1. Always have a sugary drink on hand.  Only one a day! Drink it slowly through out the day.  The best ones to have are zero calorie energy drinks, fruit juice, or sparking water (my favorite!)
2. Never sit around people who are eating.  If you're not eating they're going to want to know why and that may lead to severe pressure to stuff yourself.
3. Learn to love pain.  Exercise 'till it hurts whenever you feel gripped by hunger.
4. If you must eat something, take a shot of protein or have a small cup of yogurt.
5. Learn to love veggies like carrots, cucumbers, and broccoli.
6. Get some chewing gum! (but please don't eat the whole back in one day). Emergencies only!

Now I have one that I seriously want to talk about.  It's really touchy, but must be said. 

Stop thinking that you're going to die.  Always keep fruits, veggies, and protein shakes readily available.  As long as you periodically eat ONLY THOSE THINGS, you will be perfectly healthy.

<3 your ana friend

Ana Holidays

So, I'm not actually a Christian or Pagan.  That doesn't mean that I get to escape the holidays.  Yup, Halloween (which I actually love), Thanksgiving, and even Christmas....I have to be a part of it all. So how in the world do I escape the food?  Quite easily!

I spend as much time as I possibly can alone.  I always make sure that my work schedule includes all holidays, so I'm working and not eating.

I exercise...I run, swim, bike, hike, stroll, whatever....I just keep it moving.

I sip hot coco when I have to be around people. They are less likely to offer you food if they see you consuming something already or if they do offer you food, they are less likely to question you when you decline.

Again.......DECLINE.

Lollipops; get yourself some really tasty suckers and keep them handy. They will keep your blood sugar levels normal so no fainting and they are super low in calories.


There is a Vitamin Pack called Prostar Elite. Its for serious athletes and body builders, but trust me, it works wonders. Take it to help fight off fatigue, mood swings, depression, and every thing else tat associated with eating very little to nothing at all.

Happy Holidays! <3

Awesome New Dietary Supplement!

So, there's this new thing for weightloss.  It's a secret that only the most privileged know, so use this information wisely and keep it secret! Do you want to know what it is? 

STOP EATING BITCH! 

Yup, that's it. Stop eating. Make fasting a part of your everyday routine....in fact, here's a routine you can follow to shred some major pounds.

Use intermittent fasting daily.  The best window of eating is 9am to 5pm.  So you may eat during those times, but stop eating after 5pm.

Do hard work outs twice a day. One at at around 6am and the other at around 6pm.

Do other small, less strenuous work outs in between or if you're working, try to keep move.

Eat well during you're eating window.

Drink loads of water.

Do this, and  you'll be amazed at how much you will lose.

Now how do I maximize intermittent fasting?  Please note that everyone's life is different so not everyone can do this...but here's how I maximize this weightloss technique.

ANA VERSION OF INTERMITTENT FASTING

• I wake up a 4am and run for about an hour or approx. 6 miles.
• At 5am I drink water until I'm going to burst.
• At 6am I do a very hard workout
• 7am I get ready for work. I am a housekeeper so I'm always moving and I use this to my advantage. I always take the stairs and I always do extra in the rooms so I'll have to move more.
• At 9am I'll break my fast with some form of protein (shake, eggs....whatever)
• At 12pm I eat some kind of soup with rice (no more than a cup combined)
• At 4pm I'll have some yogurt and fruit.
• At 5:30pm I enjoy a 30min tea time (only tea..no cookies, cakes.....)
• 6pm I do another hard workout.
• 7pm I stretch for an hour
• 8pm I hit the sack.

Not every day is the same.  Some days when I'm not working, I'll spend 3-4 hours stretching and I drink only water for the entire day.  I walk everywhere whenever I can.

Why does this work?

Our bodies are fat storing machines.  We will hold on to fat and when we eat, our bodies use the food as energy, thus helping the body to hold on to the fat.  The only way that the body is going to use it's fat stores is if you make it.  Hard exercise and an eat stop eat approach help because of the 16 hour time period in which your body is forced to use it's fat stores.

Eat Stop Eat

This is a very effective weight loss method.  The rules are quite simple, you eat and you stop.
Okay, I'll elaborate.....
You pick a window in which you can eat.  Let's say from 12pm to 5pm you are allowed to eat. So, you have a 5 hour window of eating.
After 5pm, you are no longer allowed to eat. Nothing at all. You are now in the fasting (stop) part of the eat stop eat.  You fast until 12pm the next day....
Simple, right? I thought you'd like it :D

Now let's clean this up a bit:

• you don't actually have to use that particular window.  Choose any window that works best for you. I Use 12pm to 5pm because I wake up at 4am and work until 2pm so there isn't a lot of time for me to eat a whole lot, nor is there time for me to get very hungry.
• Don't just eat anything.  You really need to watch what you eat.  No GMOs, No artificial crap, stay away from gluten (if you're like me...a celiac)
• Yes, you still need to be very careful of portion size. Measuring cups and small dinnerware is key.
• You should be able to fit two meals into your window. One every four hours....or just one is fine as long as you get enough to suffice until you break the fast again.
• You can drink water during the fasting stage. (also adding green tea to your water is very good)
• Keep your body moving! Never get caught sitting still. You should be doing two hard 1 hour workouts or doing some kind of training for 3-5 hours. Just because you get off work does not mean you get to be lazy. Stretch, jump rope, do sit ups, clean your house....just keep active until bed time. (no, that doesn't mean you can't have your hour reading time.....just don't sit for too long)
• Never ever ever eat right after a work out...always wait at least 2-3 hours after before you eat anything.

This is intermittent fasting...enjoy!

Have questions? Need tips, help, or advice? email me!

engineeringhijabi@gmail.com

'I Can't Live Without Food!'

My friends is always and forever talking about how she wants to lose weight, but even when she 'exercises' (not that it's very good exercise) she still can't seem to lose weight.  I told her, it's very simple. You need to teach your body to live off its fat stores and when those are depleted  to not store fat but to constantly be burning off calories. How?

The 40 Day fast
You don't actually have to go a full 40 days.  I like to, but 1 month will suffice.  During this time when the only thing you're consuming is water, your body will use all it's sugar stores, detoxify itself, and use your fat stores for energy.  This is good! and this is the perfect (and just about only) way to teach your body to do this.

You don't actually need food everyday! Seriously!

A Message for Hypocrites

If you truly thought that ALL girls were beautiful regardless of their weight, you would include super thin girls as well.  Of course you don't because that isn't what you mean.  You say all girls are beautiful regardless of their weight but what you really mean is this: super thin girls are not beautiful.  It isn't possible to be that way naturally. When I say all girls are beautiful, I mean only the ones that have 'thick' thighs, large breasts, and big asses. Only bigger girls are beautiful.
Do you not see the hypocracy in that?
Not all girls can be 'thick' or 'curvy', just like all girls can't be skinny.
So if you truly thought that ALL girls were beautiful, the size 0's, 3's, and 5's would also be included in that statement.
Of course we aren't, but I just want you to realize what you sound like.  Hypocritical fools.

When rain starts to pour, some people get sleepy.  Some people like to curl up in bed or on the couch with a cup of coffee and a book.  When I hear the rain pounding on my window, I throw on my hoodie, lace up my running shoes, get the ipod, and hit the road.

There's something so relaxing about running in the rain.  I haven't quite figured out what it is.  Perhaps it's the fact that people go crazy when it rains.  No one wants to get wet, so if someone's running in the rain they must be insane.  maybe I like that.  I like being different.

Or maybe it's the fact that rain symbolizes purity.  So if I run in it, I'm cleansing myself.  Maybe I need a new start.

It could be that I like the solitude of it.  No one is really going to be outside.  So I can be comfortable.  I can be lonely.  Maybe I like being alone.

I can't put my finger on it.  I don't know why, but I love it.

Water Fast (40 Days)....Tips and help

This is for NOT for the weak or faint of heart. You have been warned.....

One of the best ways to get yourself together (and drop those disgusting pounds) is to water fast. I do water fasting once a year and juice fasting twice a year.  My juice fasts are generally longer than my water fasts for obvious reasons.

Water fasting Tips:

1. Plan your water! Either pre-purchase your water or have a specific place where you will go to buy it. If you choose to go with the second option, be sure that the place you go doesn't have too many food temptations.
2. Pure Spring Water ONLY. You Don't want to have water with chemicals or flavorings in it. This completely defeats the purpose of the water fast.
3. Limit outings with your friends. I'm not saying don't go out, but you don't want to be going places where food is everywhere and your friends and family are pestering you to eat. It'll make things a little easier.
4. Be very careful what you put on your body. During this time, your body will be in SERIOUS detox mode. Your pores will be open. Whatever you put on your body will be in your body. During these times I wear long sleeves and pants or long skirts....and socks! You can purchase natural lotions or just go without. Same applies for shampoos and soaps. NATURAL or NONE.
5. Know how many days you're going to do it BEFORE you start.
6. If you're like me (a serious athlete), do not stop working out. It may be slightly more difficult but it is imperative that you continue your regular work out routine. If one day you literally just feel like you're going to pass out, spend that day doing yoga, stretching, and meditating.
7. Most importantly, stay strong!

Juice fasts are pretty much the same as the water fasts. No more than 3 glasses of juice. The juice should be all natural and fresh. The rest of the time you should be drinking water.

PUTTING A STOP ON ALL THE MYTHS:

• Yes, your body will go into survival mode. No, this is NOT a bad thing. When your body goes into survival mode, it uses your fat stores for energy. Your body will NOT use your muscles or other organs until ALL your fat has been used. Usually, it's about 40 days before this will happen. This is the reason most water fasts are 40 days.
• You will put SOME of the weight back on. However, if you ease back into food and eat healthy you will not return to your original weight. You shouldn't gain more than 10-15 pounds back, if even that.

So, are you ready for it? GO!

Early Morning Thrills

I guess I'm no exception to the rules when it comes to working in today's world.  Unless you are the Boss or Manager of your company, your  job is probably unnecessarily stressful if it doesn't just out right suck.
As a housekeeper on a military base, I get so depressed some times. Those kids have it so good! Steady, predictable pay check, health care, and money left over for whatever they want. They can spend money for a good time.
Me? Well, I clean hotel rooms and I save one penny at a time.  I have a student loan debt that will take me years to pay off and I still don't even have a degree to show for it. I live with my dad. I feel like such a failure at times. I shut myself off from the world because, everyone I have ever known has hurt me. I've never actually had a true friend. I've never had someone to just hang out with or do things with.
I used to spend a lot of time thinking about killing myself.  It would have been easier to just let go, but there was always something in the back of my head that told me if I could just hang on, things would get better. Things haven't really gotten better.
But when I wake in the morning, I feel like I can disconnect myself from my life. I feel like I can be that successful person.
That's why I run. I run until it hurts. I run until I'm numb. I run until I feel strong enough to tackle my day.
Then I have to continue to work out. Punching, kicking, jumping my way to happiness. And stretching, until I feel all the darkness in my soul just leave me. Until I'm weightless....that's it.....until I'm weightless.

No, Seriously...Stop Binging

It's super sad that you have so little control over yourself.  You would rather stuff your face, and that is disgusting.  I know it doesn't feel good while you're doing it.  You have to force the food down.  It hurts.  And when you're done, you don't feel good either.  Just a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being.  Just like all the other overweight people who think that eating is fun.  Seriously? Just stop it.

 Love,

 your body

Fuel For A Good Work Out

I save my 'biggest' meals for AFTER my workout.  I may have a 1/2 cup of yogurt and a banana with some grape juice. Or just a cup of whey protein and almond milk with a banana.
I don't really need to have anything before to make my workout amazing.  I work my ass off. I push it until I feel like I'm just going to collapse. Then and only then, do I feel like I'm entitled to a 'bigger' meal.

They'll Try To Scare You

People love to tell pro ana's about how dangerous not eating is and how they will die. 
I have to say, they miss the point. They don't understand what Pro ana is about.  It's not about starving yourself. It's about giving your body exactly what it needs, and nothing more.  People freak out if they see you only eat a slice of pizza (I'm a celiac, so this doesn't really happen to me). They totally go off the wall, like you're actually going to die from not eating 3 slices of pizza.
I have to tell you, I feel so much better and way more energized when I eat half an apple than I do when I stuff myself with a burger. (which again, I don't really stuff myself with burgers...I'm just saying.)
You're aren't going to die from eating half a banana and a half cup of orange juice.  You will die from eating that fat steak, though. Eating a small, 4oz bowl of yogurt is way better than eating a large fry.  So, don't let hypocrites (many of whom are over weight) scare you or make you feel like you eat too little.  It is them that eat to much!

All The Hate....

I have been a youtube junkie for the past few days trying to understand where the hatred of skinny women comes from.  I've noticed some pretty interesting things and I also have some of my own opinions....
Let's first begin with the people who post these videos.  They are unhealthy, overweight...and just strange. They have that strong attitude that people get whenever they're trying to fight for a cause that they don't really believe in themselves. They spend most of their time bashing skinny women for traits that EVERY woman can possess and often times if they'd stop running their mouths long enough to grasp the stupid things that they say, they'll realize that they're just describing themselves...only, they aren't skinny.
So before I start sounding like I'm in major Bitch mode....let me say this.
There really is no mystery of being big vs. skinny.  If you are fat it is because you eat too much. Skinny people eat less.
Skinny people eat less because we are more in touch with what our bodies need. We don't live to eat.  We eat to live.
Eating is not a sport, a past time, or a form of therapy.  Eating is our bodies way of refueling.  Eating for any reason other than that shows an extreme disconnect between our mind and body.

Have you noticed that the skinny girl haters are overweight or lead unhealthy lifestyles? They stuff themselves, sit around all day, and then they complain about being fat.  If someone calls them fat, they go on a rant about how being 'curvy' is more beautiful and how men want bigger women. They talk about how they never want to be skinny and it's just so terrible to be skinny....But they want to lose weight! Odd, huh?

Here's what the problem really is: when someone tries to do something and it's too hard for them or they lack the discipline they will start to make excuses for why they shouldn't do it or why they can't.
If it were easy to lose weight, everyone would do it.
People are jealous of skinny people because we already have a good connection between our mind and body...we WANT to exercise because even when it hurts, it feels good. We eat ONLY when we need to because putting anything else in our body would be a waste.

It is a LIFESTYLE! no' diets' here.

Why I chose to stop ana 'recovery'

Ana recovery is about one thing and one thing only, putting the weight back on. 
Why is this bad? Well, for one thing it's about putting weight on and continuing to put weight on even when it becomes unhealthy. When I was first going through recovery I weighed in at 84lbs. I have to admit that I was weak both in mind and in body. I could barely lift a milk jug let alone continue the sport I was really into, running.
So, part by force and part by my own will, I was admitted into a treatment center. There were strict rules for meal time:

1. You must eat everything on your plate.
2. You must have one of every food group on your plate.
3. You may not leave until you finish everything.
4. There are no loose clothing, jackets, or bags inside of the dining hall (to prevent hiding food)
5. You must wait inside the dining hall for at least 30 minutes to insure that you won't purge (like that actually worked)

As you can see, one coming into treatment could literally go from eating 100-300 calories a meal or even nothing at all to eating 600-800 calories a meal. You felt sick. So stuffed you couldn't help but to let it back up. Some girls would even purge right on their plate.

You were not allowed to exercise. Now who in their right mind would tell someone not to exercise?

I went from running 8-9 miles a day to sitting around doing nothing. It took about a month for my weight to shoot up to 120lbs. A MONTH.  In 4 months time, I was 160lbs and in a worse state than I was at 84lbs!

A 'healthy' weight for me would have been 100-108lbs. But not for our dear old 'treatment' facility.

I won't even get into the counseling. Okay, maybe just a bit....

All the counselors are overweight. Huge...and they treat you like you're the one that has this horrid relationship with food. Well, at least we know how to say no.

They make you feel so guilty about your weight and often they don't allow you to see your weight during treatment. They constantly make jokes about you until you just get so sick. They really don't want to 'help' you. They hate you. They're jealous of you because they're fat and you're not. 

When I left the treatment facility I wanted to pick up running again. So I signed up for my first marathon and while going through training, my trainer told me some pretty interesting things....

• Although he did not condone not eating, he did agree that I was too heavy.
• I am 5'4 and though the ideal weight for my height is 110-145lbs, 100-110lbs would be perfect for my frame and help me in terms of running.
• Medical doctors tell me that 100lbs would be fine

So I decided that I wanted to return to my old ana life. I'm more comfortable with it and it feels better to me. I've promised my trainer that I would not get below 100lbs....but I've returned to my regular ana life and I LOVE it!

ANA Diet (what I normally eat)

Breakfast: juice box (grape or orange)

Lunch: Apple slices and Banana 
           water

Dinner: Tea
            Cucumbers 
(of course I have different fruits and veggies and what not. This is just a typical daily intake for me. About 300-400 calories)


I always take one-a-day multivitamin in the morning along with nature's bounty hair, skin, and nails vitamin.
Before bed I take the one-a-day Active multivitamin. It helps keep everything running normally while going without a lot of food.
Every Friday, I treat myself to a good sized protein shake or a smoothie. (I usually do this with a friend so as to avoid the question of do I eat.)

So You Binge?

You seriously go out and buy a bunch of food, and stuff yourself? How? That's like the worst feeling ever...being full. I'd rather feel hunger. Not that I feel that very much. In fact, I rarely feel hunger anymore. Just saying, if I had to choose between the two feelings...I'd choose the hunger.
Besides, what is stuffing yourself going to do other than make you fat? Even if you purge, you're still going to get fat. If you binge, you lack self discipline. So the next time you even think about going on a binge...very forcefully find another activity to do.

Activities to keep your mind off food:
Climbing trees (just don't be a creeper)
bike riding
swinging at the park.
running
jump rope
shower
swim
play an instrument (if you can)
Pick up the amazing art of contortion (you'll be happy you did)

Panic of Gaining weight...

I gained 5 pounds! No wonder I was hurting super bad while running yesterday. I didn't run today, which is shameful but I was so cold...I just couldn't get myself up. Plus, I went to bed a little late and I was feeling extremely tired.
I drank a laxative tea (double dose) after having rootbeer and some ice cream. I felt like such a failure. Luckily, tea has finally started working. Today, it will be some juice and water for breakfast, apple slices for lunch, and green machine smoothie for dinner.
I'm going to do the insanity workout as well, since I didn't run this morning.
I want to get back down to 100lbs. It's only 8lbs underweight for my height. Beside, my body doesn't handle fat well, so less of it I have...the better.

Storing Fat...No Longer Beneficial

There was once a time that women and men had to store extra fat in their bodies for the purpose of being able to maintain survival during times of hardship. More specifically, women needed fat around the hips and thighs to produce the calories needed for breastfeeding when food was not available. Men needed the extra fat, usually carried in the stomach, to be able to hunt for food.
Those times have long since been over, way over. We no longer struggle to find food. It is readily available to most people. We just take too much of it. The extra fat is no longer beneficial to our species. It causes many severe health problems.
So, no...being a size 22 is NOT okay. It's NOT beautiful to be overweight. Stop making excuses for lack of discipline and exercise.

TRIGGER 4

I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF!!!

I can't trust myself to push away from my plate when it's time to. This behavior started when I was about 8. I went from never wanting to eat because I loved playing outside so much, to still playing but watching t.v. a lot more and becoming a little more lazy. This is due to moving in with my mother. From her I learned to always eat when watching t.v....and I got fat because even when I moved back with my dad, I couldn't stop this behavior. I couldn't trust myself to eat properly, or responsibly, if you will....so I just didn't eat. Problem 4 solved, right? 

My Daily Schedule (Ana)

Tuesday

4:15 am- 3 mile run
4:45 am- Any 25 min workout tape
5:15 am- Clean Room and rest of the house. Do Laundry.
6:00 am- Breakfast and Reading
                1/2 Banana
                 4 Apple Slices
                  Acai Berry Tea (4 oz)


7:00 am- Shower and Iron Uniform for work
8:25 am- Leave for work
12:00 pm- Lunch
                 Acai Berry Tea (8 oz)
                 1/2 Banana
                 Almonds or mixed nuts (1 oz or less)

3:00 pm- Any Hour long Taebo Exercise Tape (may drink sip of recovery gel if feeling too weak)
5:00 pm- Dinner
               1 cup salad w/ Italian dressing
               2/3 cup of carrots


6:30 pm- Stretching (15 min of jump rope first) ...usually 1 hour
8:30 pm- Bed Time! :D



This is a normal day for me. High activity...I never like to be doing nothing. My calorie count usually totals out to 500-700. I burn a lot more.

Never Thought I'd See The Day....In Memory Of Polly

Today I ate my usual breakfast, half a banana and half a cup of yogurt. I did the hour long 'This Is Taebo' tape, even though it hurt. It's supposed to hurt, but still....
Then, I'm doing my normal pacing through the house while listening to my ipod and that feeling just hit me. I'd forgotten what that feeling was like. It doesn't feel very good....and I gave in. I went to Walgreen's and bought a pint of caramel ice cream, a king sized bag of pretzel m&m's, a package of Twizzlers, and a pack of dark chocolate peanut butter cups. Then I went to Popeye's and got a 9 piece nugget.
When I got home...I just ate and ate and ate. I ignored that feeling of being stuffed and I ate. And when I was done, I felt that dark cloud come over me. It reminded me of one of the many reasons I had stopped eating completely...I lacked self control. I couldn't fight the urge to eat needlessly. I couldn't stop myself.
 Anger, guilt, and sadness fell over me once more and I gave in. I purged. I'd never thought I'd see this day again, but here it is. I am ashamed.

I'd Never Give A Wanorexic Advice

I see a lot of girls asking for help with becoming anorexic.  They want to learn how to have an eating disorder. Now, that's a joke.  I even had one lady begging me to advise her and stop her from eating. She would email me things like, "I've eaten a few carrot sticks. I should probably take a laxative, right?" Or "I had a piece of gluten free bread. That should be it for the day."
If she ate any real meal she'd bug me on how she's doing a terrible job and please help her stop eating and I'm just like if only you fucking knew.
I made myself a small boiled potato, 4 carrot sticks, and about 6 or 8 slices of cucumber with a little bit of Italian dressing. I struggled to eat this....struggled. And in the end, I failed. I couldn't do it because just the thought of gaining anymore weight just terrified me.
It's a horrid thing because I run an average of 13 miles a day. I stretch for an hour, sometimes even 2. I do Taebo or yoga for an hour....And I was afraid that meal was going to make me fat.
All I can say is this, there are girls who are 90, 100, 105, 115, 120lbs....and they eat. So, if those are the weights that you want to be, it's possible to get there even if you eat regularly. You just have to work hard.
That will be my only advice to a wanorexic.

Those Sports I love (Trigger 3)

Not just distance running...I want that too. But I also want gymnastics. Rhythmic gymnastics to be more precise. They told me I was too old. I kept thinking,if only I could show them it didn't matter how old I was. I wanted to scream, "Hey! There's a 90 year old Ballet dance and an 86 year old gymnast. Why aren't they too old?" But instead, I decided to show them. I CAN be flexible, graceful, elegant. I can be small. I can be thin.....I can, Goddamn it! I can do this, because I want it so bad.....

Anorexic Vs. Wanorexic

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!!!
Let's start with the anorexic.... she/he: 

1. Talks about food normally, almost as if she/he eats normally. Scratch that, we obsess over food!
2. Wears baggy clothes to hide the extreme weight loss.
3. Almost NEVER eats when alone.
4. Doesn't like to talk about weight, be it their own or someone else's.
5. Exercises A LOT, sometimes hours a day.
6. Obsesses over being perfect. Everything must be perfect.
7. Can go from super happy to sad in seconds.
8. Will never be skinny enough
9. Is Never hungry

The Wanorexic....

1. Does not like talking about food.
2. Wears tight clothes to show off body
3. Likes the attention she/he gets from people talking about their weight
4. Will eat very little when around people, but binge eats as soon as they get alone
5. Needs a thousand reasons to go exercise.
6. will try a ton of different diets but is never able to stick to any of them
7. Makes excuses to talk about their weight or about trying to lose weight.
8. Has no other factors or reasons  other than fashion, modeling, or glamour for not eating
9. Cannot comprehend that they aren't actually anorexic (in fact, they love to be called anorexic) 

Pro Ana...Savior for Anorexics, Death sentence for Wanorexics

I AM PRO ANA!!
 Before you attack, please continue to read. Pro Ana sites have helped me so much in terms of eating plans. As crazy as that sounds, you should consider this: Someone who is anorexic almost never eats anywhere near 300 let alone 500 calories, even when we try. A lot of these Pro Ana sites offer 'skinny girl' diets that are geared toward eating 300-500 calories. So if someone who truly suffers from anorexia can follow one of these diets for even a short while, it helps to increase our calorie intake gradually.

ON THE FLIP SIDE
 Pro Ana is a dangerous thing for wanorexics. These girls are the ones who want to be super thin but they really have no other physiological reasons for not eating. It is strictly beauty for them. These girls are more likely to binge eat like the model anorexics I described in an earlier post. You will often times find them on Pro Ana sites asking for help in starving themselves because they just can't seem to do it on their own. (Gee, I wonder why...) Look, if I said it once, I'll say it a thousand times, you don't just become anorexic. It's not a lifestyle that you choose. It chooses you, and often times you don't realize that it's happening until it's far too late.

If you haven't noticed, I have a strong dislike for wanorexics. I feel like they mock people who really do suffer from this illness. They can stop and eat as much as they want at any time...we can't. We struggle to find reasons to eat but we just can't. Our fears, our troubled lives, our triggers just get in the way.
I say, keep the Pro Ana away from the phonies. That's what turns it into a bad thing.

And one last thing......THE ANA BRACELET 
 Again, it's the wanorexics that are doing this mostly....but please stop using the Ana bracelet as a symbol of not eating and as a symbol that you shouldn't eat. This bracelet is supposed to be a symbol of hope. A symbol of an anorexic crying out for help, not crying out with pride. SO PLEASE STOP!!!

Running on Empty (Trigger 2)

I was a long distance runner. I loved running; but the more I advanced, the more I realized that there was always someone who was better than me. I was never the best at anything and it really pissed me off. I started looking at the girls that my coach paid more attention to. These girls were taller, skinnier, and more flexible. They ran like Gazelles and they could just keep going. So I told myself, "I need to be like them." Although I could do nothing about my height, I could do something about my weight and my flexibility. I became obsessed. I still am. I will always be. This won't ever go away, but I've come to accept that.  I no longer compare myself to other runners. I am much too old for that, but I am always battling against myself. I am always fighting to get myself to be perfect so I can feel just once, what it feels like to be loved by people for your amazing accomplishments.

<3 Running on Empty <3

My Typical Ana Diet (for ppl in recovery)

Few people realize that you don't just go from not eating anything to eating full meals in just a single day. An even darker realization is that for some anorexics, full recovery almost never happens (as is my case). But a better diet is ALWAYS possible through a lot of discipline. So, you may use this as a skinny girl diet if you wish but this is mostly for getting your energy back up.

Breakfast- Whey Protein w/almond milk (8 oz)
                   1/2 Banana

Lunch- Apple Slices (4-6)
            Acai berry green Tea (4oz)

Dinner- Yogurt (4oz)
              1/2 Banana
              Acai berry green Tea (4oz)

This is just a sample. Of course, if you want something else you can always substitute. Eat different things. Variety is good. If you want another example just drop me a message and I'll give you another sample diet.

Note: I follow a Gluten free diet to treat Celiacs. However, even if you do not suffer from this illness, a gluten free diet will prove to be beneficial as long as you stick to simple and mostly organic foods. It will help keep your body from becoming too overwhelmed with the food now going through your system. And it's generally just better for you :)

Happy Eating!

Food...It makes me physically sick

I've never been a binge eater. Starting at the age of 7, I just didn't want to eat. I never made an emotional connection with food. It was something that weighed me down and the more time I had to spend eating, the less time I had for riding my bike or running through the woods.
By the time anyone realized that there was something wrong, it was far too late to do anything about it. I was at that stage were I could go 3 or 4 days without food and never feel hunger. Eating made me so sick, physically. I would just throw it up and I hated that...so, I had yet another reason not to eat. I didn't like the feeling of it coming back up.

No one chooses this...but learn the difference

When you think of Anorexia, you simply think of that person who won't eat.  It's much more complex than that and there are different types of anorexics. If you know someone who is anorexic and you want to help them, you need to know these different types and also what makes each one tick.

1. Model Syndrome- I call it this because generally, these types of anorexics don't hate food. They just hate being fat. They CAN'T be fat in order to do whatever it is they want to do, be it modeling, ballet, or some other thing like this. These are the girls that are more likely to also be binge eaters or chew and spit girls. Like I said, they don't hate food. They hate what it does to their figure.
TRIGGERS: Talking about shopping, weight, or clothing sizes

2. Need Control-  You can't control what goes on in your life, but you can control what you eat. It's as simple as that.
TRIGGERS: Forcing them to eat (control issue), Name calling (stupid, crazy, ext.)

3. Always Been This Way- Believe it or not, there are some who have always had a strained relationship with food. This is the type that describes me.  I hate food. Not because it makes me fat, but just because I hate it. I don't find eating enjoyable. Note, there are certainly triggers but they tend to be more internal.
TRIGGERS: mostly internal or caused by self...past thoughts of sadness or depression.

Now, this is by no means everything you need to know nor is it very specific. This is just general information you should know when dealing with long term anorexics. If you need more specifics or help, just drop me a detailed message and let me know.

Trigger 1

Just about every girl has a best friend who is a guy.  You can't help but to fall in love with them, it's so natural. But what happens when you find out just what you mean to them....nothing
Well, I'd like to thank my (former) male, best friend for feeding my need to starve.  That night we spent curled  up on my bed; my head on your chest, your hand on my waist. That hug you gave me, like you never wanted to let me go. That feeling I had, like I didn't want you to let me go. Our jokes told only through my laughs and your smiles. The envy thrown my way, because you were just that amazing.....I'm so glad that it meant absolutely nothing to you. I'm super glad that you could just stop talking to me like I never existed.
It helped me realize that I'm not good enough for anyone. My breasts are too small, my figure isn't shapely enough, my ass isn't round enough, my hair not long enough.
I'm glad you helped me realize this...now I have a new reason to starve because my other ones were getting to old.

Thanks Old Pal,
     Never good enough