Today I ate my usual breakfast, half a banana and half a cup of yogurt. I did the hour long 'This Is Taebo' tape, even though it hurt. It's supposed to hurt, but still....
Then, I'm doing my normal pacing through the house while listening to my ipod and that feeling just hit me. I'd forgotten what that feeling was like. It doesn't feel very good....and I gave in. I went to Walgreen's and bought a pint of caramel ice cream, a king sized bag of pretzel m&m's, a package of Twizzlers, and a pack of dark chocolate peanut butter cups. Then I went to Popeye's and got a 9 piece nugget.
When I got home...I just ate and ate and ate. I ignored that feeling of being stuffed and I ate. And when I was done, I felt that dark cloud come over me. It reminded me of one of the many reasons I had stopped eating completely...I lacked self control. I couldn't fight the urge to eat needlessly. I couldn't stop myself.
Anger, guilt, and sadness fell over me once more and I gave in. I purged. I'd never thought I'd see this day again, but here it is. I am ashamed.
I understand how you feel. I went through the same thing, except my eating lasted for 2 weeks straight (around 700 to 2000 calories a day at my worst).
ReplyDeletePurging is the worst feeling ever. It makes me feel so weak, cold, ashamed and pathetic, In total i purged 15 times in my life and all in february alone.
I found that the more I purge, the hungrier I get and then it just becomes a vicious cycle.
The way I overcame this purging was to not label any food as "bad" or "forbidden" and to keep reminding myself that the food will always be there in the kitchen and if I want it then I can have it in "MODERATION"....and guess what? IT WORKED!
I started eating 3 small meals a day again without bingeing or purging, till my old so called friend "Ana" kicked in again....and i started restricting my 3 tiny meals that barely even add up to 500 calories and exercising every morsel of food.
Anorexia, Bulimia, BED's or any other forms of ED's are horrible.
When I used to watch documentaries about anorexia sufferers, I used to think "how could they do it?"...I mean how can someone live without eating some proper meals...where do they get this crazy will and this scary amount of self-control...but little did I know that one day a year later I would go on to develop anorexia.
I want to stop and I have tried so many times, but my stomach bloats when I eat and I feel like crying because I am so scared of becoming fat again ;-(
I pray for all the people out there affected by it.